Reflecting and Moving On

I really love New Years. It is a time to reflect on your past and plan your future...

As for this girl I will reflect on this very difficult year....enthusiastically celebrate it rolling out and then I plan to move on...move forward.

Tonight I am surrounded by my precious family. Riley is by my side in the living room putting a Lego castle together. Jamey and Sam are in the den watching youtube videos and and/or listening to music having a good ole time.

This is what life is all about. This is my life...my wonderful simple life.  These are my people...people I would protect and provide for with everything I have. All of the pain and days that I literally could not breathe led me to this night. A wonderful low key New Year's Eve with the family I fought so hard for....this night....is my reward...one of many just like it to come.

I love my life. I could have definitely done without the pain but I can tell you for certain that I am blessed.

I know I will go through many more trials in my life.  I will get hurt. I will suffer many more heartbreaks. I will face giants. I will have to force myself to put on foot in front of the other. I will cry myself to sleep. I will curl up in a ball of misery from time to time. Life hurts sometimes. My prayer is that I never go through this particular heartbreak again because the remnants of this will always remain....those remnants are not as strong or sharp as they were but I honestly think they will always be there hopefully faded and with dull edges.....forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.....
I feel like I have a large...wonderful future and that feels good...really good. :)

I Am Very Ready For 2014

I have not posted anything in a very long time and so very much has happened since that last post.  I am not going to write it all out in detail.  Just know that it is VERY safe to say I am not the same person I was when I posted last.

I often look back at times in my life or at pictures and think...."Would I go back if I could knowing what I know now?"

To avoid the pain, heartbreak and anguish that this year has dealt out to me the answer is no.  I would never ever go back to any point in my life if I had to relive this year again.

I have done a lot of growing up this year and I have discovered so many things about myself that were never revealed before.  There are several new positive personality traits that I now have.  I am stronger, more resourceful and more thankful for the things that really matter.  Until you are looking down a road of having little to NOTHING other than your two kids you understand that there are NO MATERIAL THINGS THAT MATTER!!!  NONE!

There are several not so positive personality traits that I now have as well.  My temper is shorter, my filter is thinner and basically I have a zero tolerance for BS or drama.  My philosophy is get out of my face unless you want to tell me the truth.  I have had a lifetime of lies.  I am done with them.  I will not listen to them and you may get your bell rung if you are in my face spouting them.  I love space.  I have to have my space now.  I don't like people in my space.

I know that all sounds really harsh a but I am not a horrible person now I just am not the same timid people pleaser that I was before...that I have been since birth.  Life beat me up so in order to survive I had to suck it up....pull up my grown up big girl panties...stitch up my wounds....stand up on wobbly legs and march forward.  That is what you have to do in difficult situations.

As for me and my life it is actually a whole lot better than I ever imagined it would be 6 months ago.

I was thinking the other day.  One year ago I would have told you that Christmas 2013 would have been like all others for the past 11 years.  Six months ago I would have refused to look ahead to Christmas through my pain.  Well, here I am on Christmas Eve Eve and this Christmas is going to be a good one....a really good one.  My husband and I have dug deep and clawed our way through saving our relationship.  My children have been very sheltered through the whole process.  (I have a top notch support system and so many people who love and cherish my children who stepped in and helped us by helping shield the kids from the ugliness..)  My kids are happy, healthy, well-adjusted and happy to have both of their parents in their lives each and every day.

I have learned so many lessons this year that will stay with me forever.  I will name off a few in closing:

-Never take anyone or anything in your life for granted - in one moment they could be gone in one moment something/relationships can be broken/forever changed.
-NOBODY can tell you how to handle your life.  You do not know what you would do in a certain situation until you are in it.  Each situation is different.  All you can do is look within yourself and do what you feel is best...and pray...pray A LOT.
-Nobody is perfect.  We are all human and we all make mistakes.  Some are small and do not really hurt anyone and some are HUGE and hurt everyone in your life.
-If you say you are going to forgive someone you cannot crucify them at every turn.  You just can't do it...it is not fair to them or to you.
-Learn to AVOID TRIGGERS that bring the pain back up.  Do not sit and listen to a song that brings up the pain just so you can wallow in in....you just can't do that.
-Invest your time in who and what matters and let some of the "junk" go.
-People/Relationships that matter need to be nurtured.  While you are busy not nurturing it the weeds will grow tall and start to choke out the goodness...there will be weak spots in the fence.....your Achilles Heel will be revealed to the world.  Patrol the borders around your relationships...guard your weak spots until they are mended.  Keep the bad things outside your sanctuary where they below.

My husband and I are working hard on our relationship.  We had to decide if we were in or out.  You would think it would be a hard decision but it really wasn't.  You have to be in control of your future...fight for what is yours...fight for what you want....fight for those you love without ceasing....never stop...ever.

***As I was in the middle of my pain the words to a country song that I ever really paid much attention to or liked much kept going through my head a lot...at random times when I needed it.  I bolded my favorite parts.

                                                     "If You're Going Through Hell"

Well you know those times when you feel like
There's a sign there on your back
That says I don't mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

[Chorus]

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

I've been deep down in that darkness
I've been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons breathin' fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I'd fall right into the trap
That they were layin'

But the good news is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin' out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been draggin' for so long
You're on your knees might as well be prayin'
Guess what I'm sayin'

[Chorus]

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

May each of you have a very Merry Christmas and if you go through hard times/hell....just keep on moving...don't slow down.  ;)

Later Gaters!

Tomorrow is a BIG day....

.....we are beginning a new chapter in a new (to us) home. 

My mother-in-law is moving into a new house and we are moving into hers.  Weird but wonderful.

We are very excited about this move but this has been home since 2004 so....I am in a weird mood tonight....the last night in this house.  This is only going to be the 3rd time I have moved....EVER.

We are going to have so much more room and a more kid friendly yard and streets.  My kids literally cannot bounce a ball in our driveway without it rolling all the way to the street.  They cannot ride their bikes in our driveway or on our street because of the steepness of our driveway and the hills and curves in the streets.  In our new house we will be right before a culdesac. 

My mother-in-law has kept our kids for us since they were both 12 weeks old so they have somewhat grown up in her house as well so it is already confortable and familiar for them.  Their heights have been marked on one of her doorframes and they have friends in the neighborhood already which is beyond ideal.

There are a million reasons why I am excited and happy and there are a million reasons why I am a little sad. 

I will cherish the memories we made in this house over the years and I am really looking forward to making more in our new home.

Things I would tell the new owners if I could:

In my shower hot is cold and cold is hot.  I would show them the spot to get the water just right.

When Jamey replaced the door knobs he did something wrong and locked means unlocked and unlocked means locked.  BEWARE because even when the knob is locked the knob will turn so you will more than likely lock yourself out atleast once....or twice and visitors to your home may lock themselves out as well.  Fun.

Good luck with the upstairs bathtub/shower...that thing is haunted and we have only used it a handful of times since 2004.  If you are ever able to get it fixed I would love you to text me and tell me exactly how you managed that.

I hope you leave the chair rail up in what was Riley's room....that stuff was a b@#$% to prime, paint and hang and it turned out pretty awesome.  :)

I would show them the super squeeky spots in the floor to avoid if you have a sleeping baby in your arms.

I would apologize for the faded but still noticeable handprints on the wall going up the stairway.  The paint is a flat paint and apparently that day the kids were fingerpainting with a more oil based paint and while I ran to the bathroom they headed upstairs with paint on their hands and the prints are still there.  Even magic erasers didn't touch them.  LOL

When you are looking to buy this house.....you may want to take note that there are NO closets other than the ones in the bedrooms.  NONE I can still remember when we moved in I was walking around with my linens looking for the linen closet....there isn't one.  You will get creative with what to do with your stuff.  :)

Invest in an awesome lawn mower...you are going to need it.  This neighborhood is on a mountain, thus the lawn is full of rocks that will beat the crap out of our lawn mower.

The lady across the street is CRAZY!  Avoid her but if you are like me you will go out of your way to be nice to and help her children every chance you get.  They are sweethearts.

Mr. Gary and Ms. Libby in another house across the street are very sweet and will do anything they can to help you out.  Even calling a wildlife rescue man if you find baby squirrels that have fallen out of the nest and you are upset because you have no clue what to do. 

Casey and Rebecca are also across the street....super nice people.  They pretty much keep to themselves but they do not mind allowing their kids to come and knock on your door anytime they want.  Their son is kind of rough when he plays and their daughter is a sweetie but basically does whatever she wants no matter how many times you ask her not to. 

Dee Dee and Dewayne right next door are very nice and really keep to themselves.  They rescued a dog named Reggie.  Reggie's favorite passtime is barking.  It does not help to call out, "Hey Reggie."  He is not impressed that you know his name,  He does love belly rubs through his chain link fence but the very second it is over the barking starts again. 

Our Penny is buried in the backyard and even though we are taking her stone and her windmills with us and you will never know she is there but we always will.  We loved her so much and really hate that her grave has to stay here.

No, we never fixed the two missing spindles on the stairway....because my kids like to take shortcut and climb through them to catepolt onto the couch.  I will leave them for you to fix if you want. 

If you are lying in bed and you wonder who got the "peanut butter" colored paint on the ceiling when it was painted that would be me.  Geez...Jamey was ripped.  You really do not know someone until you do a marathon painting weekend with them.  Four rooms in two days....whew....good times.  We did not get a divorce so that was nice.

This house has a lot of quirks and has somewhat become a member of the family...I will probably ride by from time to time just to see if it is full of another family.  :)

Later Gaters!