I really love New Years. It is a time to reflect on your past and plan your future...
As for this girl I will reflect on this very difficult year....enthusiastically celebrate it rolling out and then I plan to move on...move forward.
Tonight I am surrounded by my precious family. Riley is by my side in the living room putting a Lego castle together. Jamey and Sam are in the den watching youtube videos and and/or listening to music having a good ole time.
This is what life is all about. This is my life...my wonderful simple life. These are my people...people I would protect and provide for with everything I have. All of the pain and days that I literally could not breathe led me to this night. A wonderful low key New Year's Eve with the family I fought so hard for....this night....is my reward...one of many just like it to come.
I love my life. I could have definitely done without the pain but I can tell you for certain that I am blessed.
I know I will go through many more trials in my life. I will get hurt. I will suffer many more heartbreaks. I will face giants. I will have to force myself to put on foot in front of the other. I will cry myself to sleep. I will curl up in a ball of misery from time to time. Life hurts sometimes. My prayer is that I never go through this particular heartbreak again because the remnants of this will always remain....those remnants are not as strong or sharp as they were but I honestly think they will always be there hopefully faded and with dull edges.....forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.....
I feel like I have a large...wonderful future and that feels good...really good. :)
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
I Am Very Ready For 2014
I have not posted anything in a very long time and so very much has happened since that last post. I am not going to write it all out in detail. Just know that it is VERY safe to say I am not the same person I was when I posted last.
I often look back at times in my life or at pictures and think...."Would I go back if I could knowing what I know now?"
To avoid the pain, heartbreak and anguish that this year has dealt out to me the answer is no. I would never ever go back to any point in my life if I had to relive this year again.
I have done a lot of growing up this year and I have discovered so many things about myself that were never revealed before. There are several new positive personality traits that I now have. I am stronger, more resourceful and more thankful for the things that really matter. Until you are looking down a road of having little to NOTHING other than your two kids you understand that there are NO MATERIAL THINGS THAT MATTER!!! NONE!
There are several not so positive personality traits that I now have as well. My temper is shorter, my filter is thinner and basically I have a zero tolerance for BS or drama. My philosophy is get out of my face unless you want to tell me the truth. I have had a lifetime of lies. I am done with them. I will not listen to them and you may get your bell rung if you are in my face spouting them. I love space. I have to have my space now. I don't like people in my space.
I know that all sounds really harsh a but I am not a horrible person now I just am not the same timid people pleaser that I was before...that I have been since birth. Life beat me up so in order to survive I had to suck it up....pull up my grown up big girl panties...stitch up my wounds....stand up on wobbly legs and march forward. That is what you have to do in difficult situations.
As for me and my life it is actually a whole lot better than I ever imagined it would be 6 months ago.
I was thinking the other day. One year ago I would have told you that Christmas 2013 would have been like all others for the past 11 years. Six months ago I would have refused to look ahead to Christmas through my pain. Well, here I am on Christmas Eve Eve and this Christmas is going to be a good one....a really good one. My husband and I have dug deep and clawed our way through saving our relationship. My children have been very sheltered through the whole process. (I have a top notch support system and so many people who love and cherish my children who stepped in and helped us by helping shield the kids from the ugliness..) My kids are happy, healthy, well-adjusted and happy to have both of their parents in their lives each and every day.
I have learned so many lessons this year that will stay with me forever. I will name off a few in closing:
-Never take anyone or anything in your life for granted - in one moment they could be gone in one moment something/relationships can be broken/forever changed.
-NOBODY can tell you how to handle your life. You do not know what you would do in a certain situation until you are in it. Each situation is different. All you can do is look within yourself and do what you feel is best...and pray...pray A LOT.
-Nobody is perfect. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Some are small and do not really hurt anyone and some are HUGE and hurt everyone in your life.
-If you say you are going to forgive someone you cannot crucify them at every turn. You just can't do it...it is not fair to them or to you.
-Learn to AVOID TRIGGERS that bring the pain back up. Do not sit and listen to a song that brings up the pain just so you can wallow in in....you just can't do that.
-Invest your time in who and what matters and let some of the "junk" go.
-People/Relationships that matter need to be nurtured. While you are busy not nurturing it the weeds will grow tall and start to choke out the goodness...there will be weak spots in the fence.....your Achilles Heel will be revealed to the world. Patrol the borders around your relationships...guard your weak spots until they are mended. Keep the bad things outside your sanctuary where they below.
My husband and I are working hard on our relationship. We had to decide if we were in or out. You would think it would be a hard decision but it really wasn't. You have to be in control of your future...fight for what is yours...fight for what you want....fight for those you love without ceasing....never stop...ever.
***As I was in the middle of my pain the words to a country song that I ever really paid much attention to or liked much kept going through my head a lot...at random times when I needed it. I bolded my favorite parts.
May each of you have a very Merry Christmas and if you go through hard times/hell....just keep on moving...don't slow down. ;)
Later Gaters!
I often look back at times in my life or at pictures and think...."Would I go back if I could knowing what I know now?"
To avoid the pain, heartbreak and anguish that this year has dealt out to me the answer is no. I would never ever go back to any point in my life if I had to relive this year again.
I have done a lot of growing up this year and I have discovered so many things about myself that were never revealed before. There are several new positive personality traits that I now have. I am stronger, more resourceful and more thankful for the things that really matter. Until you are looking down a road of having little to NOTHING other than your two kids you understand that there are NO MATERIAL THINGS THAT MATTER!!! NONE!
There are several not so positive personality traits that I now have as well. My temper is shorter, my filter is thinner and basically I have a zero tolerance for BS or drama. My philosophy is get out of my face unless you want to tell me the truth. I have had a lifetime of lies. I am done with them. I will not listen to them and you may get your bell rung if you are in my face spouting them. I love space. I have to have my space now. I don't like people in my space.
I know that all sounds really harsh a but I am not a horrible person now I just am not the same timid people pleaser that I was before...that I have been since birth. Life beat me up so in order to survive I had to suck it up....pull up my grown up big girl panties...stitch up my wounds....stand up on wobbly legs and march forward. That is what you have to do in difficult situations.
As for me and my life it is actually a whole lot better than I ever imagined it would be 6 months ago.
I was thinking the other day. One year ago I would have told you that Christmas 2013 would have been like all others for the past 11 years. Six months ago I would have refused to look ahead to Christmas through my pain. Well, here I am on Christmas Eve Eve and this Christmas is going to be a good one....a really good one. My husband and I have dug deep and clawed our way through saving our relationship. My children have been very sheltered through the whole process. (I have a top notch support system and so many people who love and cherish my children who stepped in and helped us by helping shield the kids from the ugliness..) My kids are happy, healthy, well-adjusted and happy to have both of their parents in their lives each and every day.
I have learned so many lessons this year that will stay with me forever. I will name off a few in closing:
-Never take anyone or anything in your life for granted - in one moment they could be gone in one moment something/relationships can be broken/forever changed.
-NOBODY can tell you how to handle your life. You do not know what you would do in a certain situation until you are in it. Each situation is different. All you can do is look within yourself and do what you feel is best...and pray...pray A LOT.
-Nobody is perfect. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Some are small and do not really hurt anyone and some are HUGE and hurt everyone in your life.
-If you say you are going to forgive someone you cannot crucify them at every turn. You just can't do it...it is not fair to them or to you.
-Learn to AVOID TRIGGERS that bring the pain back up. Do not sit and listen to a song that brings up the pain just so you can wallow in in....you just can't do that.
-Invest your time in who and what matters and let some of the "junk" go.
-People/Relationships that matter need to be nurtured. While you are busy not nurturing it the weeds will grow tall and start to choke out the goodness...there will be weak spots in the fence.....your Achilles Heel will be revealed to the world. Patrol the borders around your relationships...guard your weak spots until they are mended. Keep the bad things outside your sanctuary where they below.
My husband and I are working hard on our relationship. We had to decide if we were in or out. You would think it would be a hard decision but it really wasn't. You have to be in control of your future...fight for what is yours...fight for what you want....fight for those you love without ceasing....never stop...ever.
***As I was in the middle of my pain the words to a country song that I ever really paid much attention to or liked much kept going through my head a lot...at random times when I needed it. I bolded my favorite parts.
"If You're Going Through Hell"
Well you know those times when you feel like
There's a sign there on your back
That says I don't mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can't get worse than that
And then they do
You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth
[Chorus]
If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
I've been deep down in that darkness
I've been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons breathin' fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I'd fall right into the trap
That they were layin'
But the good news is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin' out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been draggin' for so long
You're on your knees might as well be prayin'
Guess what I'm sayin'
[Chorus]
If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
There's a sign there on your back
That says I don't mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can't get worse than that
And then they do
You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth
[Chorus]
If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
I've been deep down in that darkness
I've been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons breathin' fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I'd fall right into the trap
That they were layin'
But the good news is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin' out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been draggin' for so long
You're on your knees might as well be prayin'
Guess what I'm sayin'
[Chorus]
If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
May each of you have a very Merry Christmas and if you go through hard times/hell....just keep on moving...don't slow down. ;)
Later Gaters!
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