A Big Jumble

For some reason today my mind has kind of been a big jumble of thoughts and I have had a wide range of emotions today as well....I don't know how I have really had time for all of this pondering since the day has been CRAZY but I did. I guess you may say this entry will more than likely just be kind of random.



First of all I would like to say how very thankful I am for my health and especially the health of my family. Mandi put an excerpt from another mother's blog in one of her entries a little while back as well as the link for those who would like to read and follow this particular mother's blog regarding her son Ian. I didn't read it immediately for whatever reason but for some reason a few days later I went back to Mandi's blog and followed the link to Ian's site. Now I read the journal about Ian daily. Reading the entries Ian's mother posts, having her courage and optimism wash over me is a very powerful thing. I think about that little boy and his family several times throughout my day and when I pray they are right there at the top. Ian's mother's name is Mary and her courage, strength, love, adoration, perseverance and hope are unbelievably amazing to me. She has said several times in her journal that she is determined to do everything for her sick son that she would do for a healthy son and she is. Right now she is redoing his room to be a "big boy" room. I have gathered from a couple of Mary's entries that they actually kind of celebrate Ian's birthday monthly because each day they have with him is a gift they really didn't expect they would have. Could you even imagine that? I know that none of us know when our lives or the lives of the ones we love will end and miracles happen everywhere each and every day but to have a child who was born with two very severe medical issues and has been under hospice care since practically the first day he came home from the hospital is so incredibly heartbreaking and unimaginable to me. I hope that if I am ever faced with an unimaginably difficult situation in my life that I am as strong as Ian's mother and that I will be able to hold onto that positive outlook. She has posted several times to cherish your children, so what if they run around and make a mess in your house...her little 23 month old son cannot run around he cannot speak, he does not grow....hug your babies, clean up their messes, listen to them tell you what they want to say...some mother's would love to have that for just one day!!!!

We found out today that my MIL has several blood clots in her lungs most likely caused my the Chemo or by the drug Herceptin which she was given along with the chemo and will have to remain on over the next year. They immediately started her on medication to thin her blood and hopefully dissolve the clots but this is so very scary to me. You hear of people all the time who suffer from blood clots that break free and travel through the body. I am trying not to focus on the what ifs but sometimes that is hard to do. Please pray for her and that the medication will be successful in what it is meant to do.

I am still in limbo with the whole career issue. I honestly do not know what I want to do. I continue to look for jobs but honestly there are not a whole lot to find. I am still seriously leaning toward returning to school and Jamey is supporting me no matter what I decide to do. Sometimes I wish someone would TELL me what to do....here are your orders, please follow them to the letter sort of deal...give me a concrete objective and let me go...a world of options is a bit overwhelming to me. I have thought about everything from dental hygienist, nail technician, teacher, nurse, using my license and practicing as an insurance agent (boo), continuing to stay at home, volunteer work only....and the list could go on for several more lines at least. What does my future hold? I need to make a decision and run with it! I think I would feel so much better if I knew what the deal is and is going to be for a while....know what I mean???? I am kinda sick of treading water...I want to get where I am going or decide to be happy where I'm at. Who knows!!!!!

Better run...Later Gaters!