Some days were perfect days....like the days both of my children were born.
Some days were seemingly ordinary days that turned out to be a nightmare.
On Tuesday, September 30th one of those days happened for me.
That morning around 7:15 am I received a call from a police office letting me know that Jamey had been arrested. (We had been separated since that February and he had broken the rules of the protection order and he had called me the day before so honestly I was a little bit relieved and was hopeful that this would be an eyeopening experience for him and that hopefully he would get the help he desperately needed but refused to admit to.) I got off the phone with the officer and I did tell Riley and Sam that their daddy was in jail. Honestly, based on his recent behavior they seemed relieved as well.
I dropped the kids off and I came in to work and around 10 am I called my mother in law to tell her he had been arrested. He was living with her and when I told her she was not surprised because apparently he had been acting erratically the night before. As we were talking her dog began to bark and she had to let me go to answer the door.
She called me right back and said Jamey was being transported to the hospital because they found him unresponsive.
I remember asking her (even though I knew), "What does that mean?" She replied, "It means he may die."
I told her I would meet her at the hospital.
As I was leaving there were a couple of ladies from my office outside smoking. I rolled my window down and said, "If you believe in prayer please pray that my kids do not lose their daddy this way....please."
As I drove to the hospital I did not pray. I had just asked my friends to pray and yet I could not.
I remember each and every moment of that drive. I remember most of my thoughts. I was hyper aware yet numb. Scared to death yet calm. There were no tears at all.
I pulled into the parking lot and I didn't get out of the car right away.
I took a few deep breaths and got out of my car.
The day was beautiful. The sky was so blue and the temperature was perfect. I walked very very slowly as I looked up at the sky but still not praying.
I remember thinking about how both of my babies were born in that hospital and that I wish I could go back to one of those days when Jamey and I were there together and he would be fine.
I slowed my steps even more and that is when the thought crossed my mind and heart that once I get inside those doors my life is never going to be the same. So, I slowed a little bit more. I wanted to stay in the sunshine a little longer.
There was a man standing by a trashcan and kind of leaning on it. He smiled at me and said hello and I returned the smile and the hello. Still not crying or praying.
I walked into the waiting room and went to the front desk not knowing exactly what to say. I told the receptionist what I knew and she told me to have a seat and someone would come out to speak with me. Somehow that short exchange verified and validated my fear. Yet I did not cry and I did not pray.
I sat down with my back to the wall so I could see the whole room. I sat alone as my mother in law still had not arrived.
I sat and I stared at a clock on the wall and I waited. I still did not cry and I still did not pray. Even then I knew I should be doing one or both of those things.
After what seemed like an eternity an elderly lady walked up to me and told me that someone would come and get me soon. Again, fears were confirmed.
Shortly thereafter, my mother in law arrived and sat by me. I remember by that time I was somewhat in a daze. I remember looking at her and saying, "This is going bad."
After another unknown period of time a doctor came and introduced himself and said he would take us back to see Jamey and that he was intubated. We held hands as we followed the doctor.
The doctor talked to us in the corridor as we could see Jamey lying in the room. I do remember most of what he said but it all seemed so very real yet so very unreal. I did not cry and I did not pray.
They were preparing him for life flight to Emory and said we could so into the room with him. I looked at him. The face I had spent countless hours look upon over the years and I did not cry and I did not pray.
His mother touched him and talked to him and whispered in his ear and held his hand. I could not. I could not. I just stared at him. I just wished I would wake up. I felt sorrow and pity and pain and shock and anger.
The next day or two were a blur somewhat. I was on parenting autopilot and living in a nightmare with endless pain and fear.
I sheltered my children from the full truth until I was certain what the prognosis was. I chose to tell them he was in the hospital but did not take them to visit him right away.
Word was getting out on social media about Jamey's condition and the fact that my mother in law retired from teaching at Riley and Sam's school and still has multiple friends there and our town is a somewhat small one I took steps to ensure that people were aware not to discuss his serious condition in front of or directly to Riley and Sam. I basically issued a plea and explained exactly why. I was humbled by the respect and outpouring of kindness during the darkest days imaginable. My children were sheltered not only by me and our immediate family but by everyone who knew the situation.
I continued to go to work and send Riley and Sam to school. I kept things as normal as possible as we waited. I visited and was updated constantly when I was not there. Some details are so vivid and some are so vague.
The thought that kept going through my mind when I was with the kids was.....look at their beautiful faces....look at their happy eyes. Dear Lord, please do not let the light go out of those beautiful eyes....not matter what happens. Do not let the light of happiness go away. Please.
I will write more entries to pick up where I am ending here but please know that I still have dark days from time to time but there is sunshine in my life. I honestly did not think there would be but there is.
I sat down with my back to the wall so I could see the whole room. I sat alone as my mother in law still had not arrived.
I sat and I stared at a clock on the wall and I waited. I still did not cry and I still did not pray. Even then I knew I should be doing one or both of those things.
After what seemed like an eternity an elderly lady walked up to me and told me that someone would come and get me soon. Again, fears were confirmed.
Shortly thereafter, my mother in law arrived and sat by me. I remember by that time I was somewhat in a daze. I remember looking at her and saying, "This is going bad."
After another unknown period of time a doctor came and introduced himself and said he would take us back to see Jamey and that he was intubated. We held hands as we followed the doctor.
The doctor talked to us in the corridor as we could see Jamey lying in the room. I do remember most of what he said but it all seemed so very real yet so very unreal. I did not cry and I did not pray.
They were preparing him for life flight to Emory and said we could so into the room with him. I looked at him. The face I had spent countless hours look upon over the years and I did not cry and I did not pray.
His mother touched him and talked to him and whispered in his ear and held his hand. I could not. I could not. I just stared at him. I just wished I would wake up. I felt sorrow and pity and pain and shock and anger.
The next day or two were a blur somewhat. I was on parenting autopilot and living in a nightmare with endless pain and fear.
I sheltered my children from the full truth until I was certain what the prognosis was. I chose to tell them he was in the hospital but did not take them to visit him right away.
Word was getting out on social media about Jamey's condition and the fact that my mother in law retired from teaching at Riley and Sam's school and still has multiple friends there and our town is a somewhat small one I took steps to ensure that people were aware not to discuss his serious condition in front of or directly to Riley and Sam. I basically issued a plea and explained exactly why. I was humbled by the respect and outpouring of kindness during the darkest days imaginable. My children were sheltered not only by me and our immediate family but by everyone who knew the situation.
I continued to go to work and send Riley and Sam to school. I kept things as normal as possible as we waited. I visited and was updated constantly when I was not there. Some details are so vivid and some are so vague.
The thought that kept going through my mind when I was with the kids was.....look at their beautiful faces....look at their happy eyes. Dear Lord, please do not let the light go out of those beautiful eyes....not matter what happens. Do not let the light of happiness go away. Please.
I will write more entries to pick up where I am ending here but please know that I still have dark days from time to time but there is sunshine in my life. I honestly did not think there would be but there is.
