Constant Feeling of Nausea.....

Lately I have had the constant and unwavering feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach.  It ebbs and flows but it never really goes away.  It is always there.  I have never EVER been even close to having what I consider a panic attack until all of this.  There have been a handful of times I have had to really concentrate on my breathing because it is like I cannot catch my breath.  It kind of sneaks up on me at odd times.  For instance last night it happened while I was getting towels out of the dryer.  Weird.

I know deep down in my soul that everything is going to eventually be okay.  I know this.  I also would be a fool not to know that most likely things will get worse from here before they are perfectly okay.  There are still lots and lots of changes yet to come and with change comes stress, worry and unease.

My ultimate goal is to keep the waters calm for Riley and Sam during the whole process no matter what turmoil is going on around me or in my body.  I have to do that.  I will probably bring blood while biting my tongue, cheeks and lips to keep my mouth shut but so be it.  As long as they are okay I will be okay as well.  Nothing good will come from me spouting negativity toward anyone.  Unfortunately, both of my children are very smart and observant and they have already come to their own conclusions all by themselves.  Unlike what others think of me or say about me I do not tell my children what to think or how to feel.  I answer questions honestly and I comfort  and reassure them when it is needed or wanted.

I think that selfish, self centered acts may be rewarding in the very short term but for long term happiness you must invest the proper time and care into the things that matter....the people who love you and the relationships you have with them.  I am a patient person.  One day happiness and peace will flood me and the nausea and panicked breathing will leave forever.  There will not be one ounce of falseness to my smile and forcing one foot in front of the other each day will be a distant memory.

I absolutely cannot wait to feel settled, secure and standing on solid ground once more but until then....I will navigate with nausea in my stomach with a fake smile upon my lips while forcing my forward steps as best I can.  :)

Later Gaters!