Selfishness

I know I have not posted anything in a very long time but today I just have to.

This morning I woke up to Jamey's alarm blaring at 4:45 am.  He got up and I rolled to try to drift back off until my alarm goes off at 6:00.  As he was piddling around getting ready for the day I was just in a funk.  You know those days...it is Monday and I have to go to work....poor pitiful me, I have no clue what the kids are going to wear to school today....man, I should have laid their clothes out last night....poor pitiful me, I wish I could cover up my head and not face the day....poor pitiful me, I wonder if anyone will do something special for my birthday this year....will anyone even remember without me reminding them that it is coming up....poor pitiful me!!!!!!

I scraped myself out of bed, robotically made muffins for the kids, scraped outfits together for all three of us, woke the kids up, forced myself to take a shower deciding I didn't feel like washing my hair or putting on makeup, got dressed, had the kids get dressed, packed lunches, repacked bookbags, got the kids in their jackets and we were off to school.

My spirits were lifted on the way to school as I listened to the kids laugh and talk in the backseat.  I parked in my normal spot and I walked the kids into the school through the side door designated for teachers and parents who walk their children in.  Sam was being a goofball walking ahead saying he was NOT going to give me a kiss and did not need me to walk him to his room or early room....all the while looking over his shoulder shooting me goofy faces.  Riley and I were walking slower and chatting about this and that...nothing at all.

We were there earlier than normal due to the time change I suppose so Riley and I took our time and were admiring various writings and art work that was displayed on the walls.  We made sure Sam made it to early room and as we were walking down the hall that connects Riley and Sam's classrooms I heard a whimper.

I did not think much about it and then a second later I saw her....brave and beautiful Mrs. A.   Kindergarten teacher superstar.  She was Riley's kindergarten teacher two years ago.

In January of last school year Mrs. A.went to the doctor complaining of back pain.  When they did an Xray they found breast cancer...then bone cancer....then brain cancer....cancer everywhere in her body.  Even with all of that she kept working...she finished out the school year.

She did not return to work this year.  The teaching position for her class was filled with a long term substitute.

Recently, Mrs. A. returned to the school and even attended the Fall Festival week before last.  I heard someone say that she wanted to meet her class and that she was going to work the following week and that would be her farewell.  :(

Well this morning after I heard that whimper and as she turned the corner to come onto the hall that Riley and I were standing in my heart just broke into a million pieces.  She was so thin, her face contorted in pain, her dear sweet husband was helping her walk on one side and she had a walking cane for the other side, her steps shuffled and there were tears in her eyes from the pain she was in.

She looked down at Riley and sweetly said, "Hello Love."  Riley lit up and hugged her ever so gently.  I was trying very hard to hold it together.  I asked how she was and she just smiled sweetly and said, "I am doing good."  Oh, the courage, oh, the strength, oh, the devotion, OH, MY SELFISHNESS!!!!!

I ushered Riley to her class as I am sure Mrs. A. needed to sit.....immediately.  I held my tears until Riley was in early room then the flood gates opened up!  I prayed I would not pass very many people on my way out.  I made it to my car and I just wept.

I wept for that dear sweet woman.  I wept for her family...she has a devoted husband, her two children.  I wept for her courage and her devotion to a job she LOVES.  I wept because of my own selfishness. How could I think....poor pitiful me!!!!  HOW???!!!!  Getting up this morning was easy for me....I do not have pain radiating though my body, going to work for me was easy....I do not have to have physical help getting into the building......

There is a song that we sometimes sing in church...."Lord Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours".  Well I felt that today.

I truly believe God wanted me to see her today....he wanted me to see something that broke my heart.  I should not have been there that early....I am normally in those halls 20 minutes later than that at least.  I had to see her.....today.