Week 3 of being a fulltime mommy....

Well yesterday started the third week of me being a full time mom and I am still loving it despite the fact that the kids were so ILL today!!!! We have had multiple meltdowns today and each one was worse that the one before.

I am sure of several things...
Number 1....rainy, cold days are the stay at home mom's mortal enemy!!!!
Number 2....I have GOT to get creative to save our sanity while we are all home together on yucky days...creativity that is FREE!!! Getting kind of worried about that part...
Number 3....Not sure I am comfortable with the label "housewife", Jamey called me that last night and it kinda pissed me off....not sure why but it did...I probably need to ponder why it did.

I have been fine over the last couple of weeks and have been so very happy staying home but every now and then it is somewhat hard to grasp that I am not a career woman anymore...at least for the moment. I am not certain at all what I think my ideal future would be. Would I be happy staying at home fulltime and not work at all?, Would I be happy working part-time only?, Should I go back to work full-time? Will I even get to decide or will our finances make that decision for me?

I do not miss the "toxic stress" as I have labeled it but I do miss the people. I miss my coworkers so much and I miss the clients I have had for over 6 years. I miss the confidence that comes from doing a great job, the pure pleasure it gave me to truly help someone through a difficult situation, to get up in front of hundreds of people at a time and give a presentation and answering questions regarding something very vital to their family, to have people look to me for advice and guidance. Reading that back it sounds very petty and vain but I do miss it sometimes. I do feel VERY important in my role of Mommy..sometimes I wish some of that importance would somehow rub off on my husband in my children's eyes but I truly wouldn't have it any other way...but I think that as human beings we also want to know that we are needed and/or appreciated/respected by others as well.

Because I have worked fulltime since my senior year in high school...non stop I mainly developed relationships with people at work with whom I spent more waking hours with than my family and now that relationship has been somewhat severed.

I better stop before I write myself into a funk...it has been one of those days...grumpy kids, dirty house, school Easter party/egg hunt in the freezing drizzle, trip to McDonalds with kids who REFUSED to come down from the playset because they knew it was time to leave and everyone looks at you like you are the world's worse mom because your children do lot obey your repeated request to come down and you can't threaten to spank their fanny in public because you really don't feel like going to jail and father in law is still here sleeping on your couch and even better than that your husband is at work during the day so you have to entertain him!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please let him tell us tonight that he is going home in the morning!!!! Please!

I had a babysitter today...yea!!!!

I was pleasantly surprised today when both of my children were whisked away to grandma's house for a little while...at grandma's request. Since her breast cancer diagnosis she has been limited physically and emotionally by the situation and the two surgeries she has had so far. She is a really fun, get down in the floor to play, piggy back ride giving grandma so her limitations have been hard for the kids to understand and for her to endure while she is around them and can't do what she is used to doing. But today she had someone at her house to help her and she insisted on them coming over for a while to play and after a few minutes of her assuring me that she felt well today I agreed. She has been such a trooper through this! I often wonder if my outlook would be the same or if I would completely crumble under the enormity of it all.

So strange how things work out...God truly does have a plan...Jamey's mom, the primary caregiver of my children gets diagnosed with breast cancer and I lose my job shortly thereafter, thus solving the problem of who will keep the kids while she gets better. Another very strange thing is that we always seemed somewhat tight on money but when we sat down together and figured our bills (including some minor cutbacks of course) we discover that we are actaully going to be okay with some budgeting tricks and downgrading to a cheaper vehicle. I would have never believed it unless I saw it in black and white. God is GREAT! Where in the world did we blow my salary before I lost my job????!!!!

Oh yeah...getting back to the fact that I had a babysitter today....what do you ask did I do today during the first free time I have had in two straight weeks? I was treated to a trip to Walmart no less to pick up carpet cleaner and other supplies and tomorrow I get to treat myself to the actual act of cleaning the carpet upstairs!!!! I would have cleaned the carpet today as well but I didn't want to overload my fun-o-meter for the day...I thought I would save a little fun for tomorrow...have to pace myself you know! :-) Before I lost my job and our income was suddenly cut in half we were talking about getting wood flooring for the upstairs rooms to match the downstairs but now that really doesn't fit into the budget so I guess I will be scrubbing carpets tomorrow. The carpet was pretty bad when we moved in five years ago...you should see it now...two kids and one cocker spaniel later. Not going to be fun tomorrow. I have full confidence that the much advertised miracle product that I bought today will have them so clean I will be able to see myself in them!!! He he he.

The reason I started blogging was to kind of track my state of mind regarding being unemployed, total lifestyle change...yody, yoda, yoda...well....my state of mind is still great as of today! I am still loving the toxic, green, slimy stress of my former job being gone from my life!!!! I have other stress...motherhood stress, keeping my house clean stress, my father -in-law being in town living on my couch for several days listening to him and my hubby talk about sports for hours on end stress, rainy days that won't end so I can't get the kids outside to play off tons of energy stress, what's for dinner stress, dirty carpet that smells like pee stress, mom in a funk so I call her 3 or 4 times a day to lend an ear even though she is a downer to talk to stress, being frustrated because hubby's sister and her husband are freeloading off his mom and WON'T MOVE OUT OF HER HOUSE and she doesn't even know she is being taken advantage of stress, I have no clothes that fit my fat butt anymore and now we are too poor to buy me more unless they are from a yard sale stress, now that I don't work with the great women at my former office I feel like I don't have any friends even though they have been keeping in touch and we are going to lunch stress...I think you get it....I do still have stress but it is such a different grade of it and I can turn it off quite easily when I want to...probably because I am chasing a toddler and a preschooler around constantly and don't really have time to stress.

I REALLY LOVE BLOGGING!!!! I love it because you never know what direction it will go in. Very theraputic!!! Exactly the reason I started doing this!

Wonderful....Peaceful

The rain is over for the day, every thing has been scrubbed clean, the smell is so wonderful...the kids are running around the yard laughing glad to be outside for a minute...I think this house has been their own personal torture chamber for the past few days. The rain will be back tomorrow but for right now they are in heaven.

I look over the yard in the low light with everything damp and the most radiant shade of green with my children playing without a care in the world and can't help but feel a swell of pride regarding our family, our home and our own little piece of ground.

Another day in domestic paradise...

Today was good until the end....

I ran in circles around my kids cleaning up messes as usual...washed dishes like 50 times...as usual...enjoyed plenty of hugs and laughter...like usual but then the end of the day came an whammo...I was in the middle of toddler meltdown x 2.

Both kids knew that their "Pop Pop" was coming into town and they had completely lost their patience when he hadn't arrived by 5:00 this afternoon. They must have asked like 2.5 million times "where is he, I want him, I can't wait to see him, I REALLY wish Pop Pop was here!" There was nothing I could do to distract them and that torture went on for an hour straight for them...and me! Well he is here now and I am in the house all alone while Pop Pop, both kids and Jamey are outside!

I adore my children but I LOVE the few minutes I have to myself each day....I never know when it will be...cleaning up the kitchen at night while hubby bathes the kids is about all I get because now that I am the stay at home mommy I fall into bed nanoseconds after putting the little buggers to bed....I guess we exhaust each other...I did find time today to shave my legs for the first time in over a week...gross I know...I am still waiting on an opportunity to give myself a mani/pedi...I have to do it when Riley is really asleep because I swear she can sense if I am even thinking about painting any of my nails. She is a three year old who loves to do her own nails....it makes a complete and total mess and unlike her fingerpaint it is quite a chore to get it off of fabrics/apolstry/carpets, etc. Yes, I definately need to make time for that.

I may have lunch with several former co-workes next week and I cannot wait to see everyone again. It was two weeks ago today that I lost my job and I am still loving being unemployed...but I miss my second family like crazy. I saw them every day for over 6 years and not seeing them every day is very strange. I cannot wait to catch up with everyone. We have been e-mailing, texting and have had a few phone conversations but that has been it. I cannot wait to sit down for lunch and chat! I love to chat!!!!

Better run...the oven time is beeping and the veggies I left on the stove probably need me as well.

Pancake Syrup, Poop, Fingerpaint and More

My day today was full...full of sticky syrup, stinky poop, finger paint footprints all over the house and so much more. There is not one inch of my house or my children's bodies that have not been wiped down...at least three times today.

The day started off great. Two happy kids arose from their beds and there were plenty of smiles to go around. I whipped up some pancakes and the day went down from there. Everyone including the dog somehow became covered in syrup...their hands, their hair, the dog's hair, the table, the floor and somehow the recliner was a victim as well. To spare a lot of gross detail I have also had to deal with "poop incidents" three times today and then I get the bright idea that we all need to paint. Samuel decided that painting himself would be so much more fun than painting on paper...including but not limited to the inside of his ear...that was a barrell of laughs. Riley was very excited to paint but quickly threw herself on the floor when I told her that he had to paint at the kitchen table. She screamed for several minutes but was eventually lured but the fun Samuel was having at the table. While they were enjoying their painting I ran to the bathroom and when I returned I discovered that in the two minutes I was gone Riley had decided to paint both of her feet to make footprints on her paper. That would have been fine if she hadn't padded into the living room after painting her feet. I get to mop after they go to bed tonight. Before I could catch Riley she darted up the stairs into their bathroom to wash her hands. Needless to say the bathroom looked like someone had been murdered in there after she was done. There were red paint spatters all over the place the sink was covered in it. I hussled her downstairs to join her brother for a bath before more of the interior of the house could be "decorated". I got them out of the early bath and got them p.j'ed. Then I herded them back upstairs to "help" me clean their rooms. How is it possible for a three year old and two year old to pull each and every toy and pair of shoes they own out of their proper resting place? I don't know how but they did it in the 12 minutes if took for me to make their lunch today! Jamey came home shortly after the rooms were whipped back into shawp. When he got here I got on the phone with mom and began washing the dishes for the third time today...before dinner. Jamey strolls upstairs and sees the mess in the bathroom that I hadn't had a chance to clean up and yells down the stairs...."JOOOY....don't you think you need to clean this up?" I promptly yell back that he needs to kiss my fanny. Later he proclaims that he cleaned it up for ME. Thanks Honey!!!! So sweet!

I would love to see a time lapsed tape of us today...it would probably be quite hysterical.

I am so tired...I don't know how I am going to make it through our bedtime routine. I could fall over right now with no problem.

Food For The Soul

There have been far too few moments in my life when I have thought that my heart would burst with happiness and my soul felt fed and full. Today was like that. There were several times today when I looked into the faces of Riley and Samuel and thought...what in this world did I do to deserve them? How could anything feel so pure and true?

I am blessed and I hope I continue to realize how much!

Flowers and Sunshine

I really don't want my blog to be nothing but happy stuff...flowers and sunshine but you know what that is exactly what I am feeling lately so why not post flowers and sunshine?

Today was a perfect day. NO STRESS!!!! I worked my butt off cleaning out the garage while the kids has the times of their lives simply playing outside and having their mommy near. These past few days have been precious to me....a jobless mom enjoying her children.

I really loved being on maternity leave after having my babies but this is SO much better!!! No postpardum funk, no sleepless nights, no breast feeding, no infants with gas...just a fiesty preschooler and a hilarious toddler. Motherhood is good and I am loving being home. I can feel my bond growing stronger each day and although I know I am going to have to go back to work at least part time I am going to savor these days and cherish the memories we make. I am realizing that it is impossible to squeeze all of the wonderful things I can be doing with my kids into evenings and weekends.

I think we have pretty much figured out what expenses we can cut or eliminate completely and I feel even better about our situation. We are pretty much not going to have an extra penny but at least we know we are going to be okay. We will stay in our house, have two vehicles, keep the kids in preschool, etc.

I know tough times are ahead and I will probaby fall apart multiple times before this is all over but For now the pieces seem to be super glued together...thank goodness!

Icy Fingers of Fear

Today was great! The kids and I laughed and played all day. Other highlights included: Two sets of neighbors walked over for a while, I donated tons of toys to Goodwill, thus starting the massive "clean out the garage" project, and we even squeezed in a trip to the park to visit the ducks and play on the playground. I plan on staying extremely busy...busy being a good mom and busy getting things done that I haven't had time to do in the past being a wife, mother and woman of the house that also held a more than fulltime job.

Even with the wonderful day that we had I did feel the icy fingers of fear taking hold today. What is going to become of us if I don't find another job before my severance pay ends? Will we lose our house? The fear and dred of beginning a new job is also present as well. You know what...I am going to do my very best to avoid letting fear get to me. I am going to force my positive attitude to prevail!!!!!! I will find work and we will somehow manage to stay afloat...somehow! If that means major sacrifice and Jamey getting a second job to supplement the lower income I will be earning then that is what we will have to do. Like I said before, as long as we are together all will be well. Things do not matter...just people and relationships.

I want to be a happy mom and have happy kids who know how much I adore them above all else.

I need to see this period of time as a vacation...a vacation to enjoy my family, my life and my home. So far it has been so very rewarding...a gift almost. I am sure I will have my hard days but when they begin to get hard I need to get out of the house and have fun with the kids or clean something...Lord knows there are plenty of things to clean around here to keep my negative feelings away!

I would say that 90% of me is at peace and 10% is scared to death! I think the 90% can kick the 10%'s butt so I am good for now. :-)

Happines and Freedom

Today was day two of officially being jobless. I started counting yesterday...the first day I didn't report to work. I feel like I am living in a warped reality right now. Fear of our financial future is never far from my mind but this sense of happiness, wellbeing and freedom is most prevailant of all.

I have had a steady stream of e-mails and text messages from former co-workers, which is wonderful because I really do miss them terribly and PRAY that we are able to stay in touch like I plan. That is one of the only sad things about this whole thing right now...the severed relationships. They are wonderful warm people that I am blessed to know. I would be very sad if even in a small way they did not remain in my life.

I am enjoying being a wife and mom. I am enjoying my kids so much that I already dred going back to work and being away from them. I think out of habit my mind wonders back to work and when I remind myself that I don't work there anymore I feel relief wash over me like a warm wave. I wonder if I am going insane??!! I had this uncontrolable "tick" for a while and I would whisper to myself...I hate my job, I hate my job. I did that today while I was walking to the mailbox and again relief came as I remembered that am FREE!

I reported to the DOL today...that was an experience that I never thought I would have to experience but it wasn't entirely unpleasant. I plan to not have to draw a penny of unemployment but I am glad it is there if we do need it. In today's job market I will more than likely have to draw benefits for a while but I am going to stay optimistic that I will not have to.

I do not know yet what the future holds for our family but I do know that I have a wonderful family and with the fog of stress gone I see what I have in them. Stuff doesn't matter and even if we end up in an apartment, only have one vehicle and eat wellfare macaroni every night we will be together, we will have love and they will have a happier mommy. That is going to be priority one. I am sick of being Ms. Grumpy Pants all the time. Life is short and I want to feel Happiness and Freedom more often because it feels really, really good. Maybe God is showing me that things were getting in the way of my happiness and with certain things removed things can be simple and good...great...WONDERFUL!

Fork In The Road

Have you ever had something happen that was so terrible, yet in an odd way it feels wonderfully liberating at the same time? Well, as odd as that description sounds that is what has happened to me.

I lost my job last Friday, Friday, March 13, 2009 was my last day. How can someone possibly be devastated and relieved at the same time? I don't know how it is possible but that is exactly what I feel right now. My job consumed my life, thoughts and emotions most of the time. Even in the evenings, on weekends and on vacation, my mind was never far away from my job. Stress is a very poisonous thing...it is tends to bubble over into every part of your life...even the precious parts that you try so very hard to protect from it. Trying to keep up, trying to get ahead, trying to do it all really took it's toll on me. There was never a lull time with my job...always neck breaking speed. With that gone I feel like my eyes are open, truly open for the first time in way too long.

I have not been without a job since high school. I had a job in high school, knew it would end after summer vacation was over so I looked for another one. I found another one, stayed there 5 years and when that business started having financial problems I began looking for another one...just in case. That is when I came on board the job I just lost...that was over 6 years ago. I cannot believe that I am unemployed but there are far worse things to be.

I am very scared to be out there with about 10% of other Georgians looking for a job but I am optimistic that I will. I have already updated my resume and am going to the DOL today. The sooner I get my information on file with them the better.

We are truly going to be okay. I am scared but in another way I am excited about the future. I pray that whichever way I take in my fork that I end up happier and more fulfilled than before.