Smile For Friday....

It made me smile today when I got home and all of the neighborhood kids were over here playing with Riley and Sam.  My mother in law brought them home after school and they were having a really great time by the time I got home.  :)

Today's Smile

Today I smiled HUGE when I finally got a client billing dispute resolved after a year of back and forth with the insurance company!!!!

Something That Made Me Smile Today (A New and More Positive Direction For My Blog and Possibly Facebook Post Crossovers)

This morning as I was getting ready I had a thought.....I want to try to be more positive.  I think for a while or maybe just sporadically....who knows with me now days...I want to post things that happen to me in my day that makes me smile.  This is kind of a picture of the day without the picture kind of thing.  I have no clue who reads my blog and out of those who also is friends with me on Facebook but don't be surprised if I double up and post things on both if the mood strikes me.

I actually want to backdate and do two this time....one for yesterday and one for today.  And since I make the rules for my new positive outlook I am granting myself permission to do that.


Day 1 - September 23rd :  Something that made me smile today- ummm yesterday - I was told my a makeup artist that I have "great skin".  WHAAAT? Okay so why did I encounter a makeup artist yesterday in order for this smile inducing compliment to be sent my way you may ask....well I will tell you.  Yesterday at work we had "picture day".  We had a professional stylist and photographer come on site to do fancy head shots for a new and improved company website and as I sat for makeup she gave me the compliment.  Everyone at the office looked absolutely fabulous even without the extra makeup and hair poofing and it was actually quite fun to have "picture day" just like the old days at school.  LOL!  We even got lollipops for being good.  :)

Day 2 - September 24th:  Something that made me smile today was surprising my two besties at work with banana pudding....their favorite dessert.  I was out at lunch and saw that one of the country kitchens in town was having it as a special today and I brought it back for them....just because I lub them.  :)  Their smiles made me smile big.

Keep Smiling Everyone!

Constant Feeling of Nausea.....

Lately I have had the constant and unwavering feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach.  It ebbs and flows but it never really goes away.  It is always there.  I have never EVER been even close to having what I consider a panic attack until all of this.  There have been a handful of times I have had to really concentrate on my breathing because it is like I cannot catch my breath.  It kind of sneaks up on me at odd times.  For instance last night it happened while I was getting towels out of the dryer.  Weird.

I know deep down in my soul that everything is going to eventually be okay.  I know this.  I also would be a fool not to know that most likely things will get worse from here before they are perfectly okay.  There are still lots and lots of changes yet to come and with change comes stress, worry and unease.

My ultimate goal is to keep the waters calm for Riley and Sam during the whole process no matter what turmoil is going on around me or in my body.  I have to do that.  I will probably bring blood while biting my tongue, cheeks and lips to keep my mouth shut but so be it.  As long as they are okay I will be okay as well.  Nothing good will come from me spouting negativity toward anyone.  Unfortunately, both of my children are very smart and observant and they have already come to their own conclusions all by themselves.  Unlike what others think of me or say about me I do not tell my children what to think or how to feel.  I answer questions honestly and I comfort  and reassure them when it is needed or wanted.

I think that selfish, self centered acts may be rewarding in the very short term but for long term happiness you must invest the proper time and care into the things that matter....the people who love you and the relationships you have with them.  I am a patient person.  One day happiness and peace will flood me and the nausea and panicked breathing will leave forever.  There will not be one ounce of falseness to my smile and forcing one foot in front of the other each day will be a distant memory.

I absolutely cannot wait to feel settled, secure and standing on solid ground once more but until then....I will navigate with nausea in my stomach with a fake smile upon my lips while forcing my forward steps as best I can.  :)

Later Gaters!

With Liberty and Injustice for ME

Yesterday was a very very hard day.

It was the day I had to have a court hearing to extend the protection order against Jamey.

Over the past week or so I have been preparing for yesterday.  I spoke extensively with my domestic violence advocate who has sat through hundreds of these hearings before and I spoke extensively with an attorney but did not have her come to the hearing with me.

When I arrived at the courthouse yesterday to say I was afraid and intimidated would be a HUGE understatement.  There were approximately 100 people crowded into one small courtroom for roll call and I could feel my heart palpitating and my breath coming in short puffs.

I had my notes written out and I was given exactly how the proceeding would work.  I was prepared and ready to face it but very very uneasy.  I must have read and reread them 30 times while I waited.

After roll call my advocate went back to the holding cell where Jamey was to see if he would sign off on the order and if so no hearing would be required.

He signed off on the 12 month protective order and the child support worksheet but he said he wanted to be able to see the kids.  He asked for every other weekend Friday-Sunday.  I immediately and strongly and completely refused that.  My advocate went back to him and it was determined he would not sign off so a hearing was happening.

I was there from 9:00 - 11:30 just waiting.  I had to overhear other cases and it was just depressing.  Completely depressing.

They did not call ours until about 11:45....15 minutes before lunch.

In short - the process was rushed, Jamey lied under oath and the judge was sympathetic to Jamey.  Jamey spoke two thirds as often as I got to speak and he was smirking at me from across the room from the time he knew he had the judge's ear until the end of the hearing.  The whole hearing was quite rushed...I mean....I wouldn't want them to take a few extra minutes to make them late for their Wendy's burger and frosty....not like anything important is at stake...right?

I did not "lose" yesterday but I do not feel my voice was heard.  I did not get to give examples of how the situation has been escalating by giving examples of past behavior.  I had dates and times prepared.  Jamey spun this to be a one time occurrence (I was not given an opportunity to provide other events), denied drug use repeatedly, and kept repeating how much he is giving up/lost in this process.  He had the last word in each section of the hearing.  I just clasped my hands, bit my lip and gently nodded my head "no" involuntarily while the lies spilled forth.  By the time the hearing was over the judge and Jamey were almost quite chummy.  The judge talked with him quite informally giving him tips on his upcoming criminal case and kept reminding him that he can come back after a while for a modification to the visitation to request more.  The judge looked at me very little.  I am an observer of mannerisms, body language, etc.  He slightly turned his chair in Jamey's direction and man to man....dad to dad was on his side.

The order was approved for 12 months, he has very limited supervised visitation twice per week- 8 hours per week, he must pay child support, he must undergo anger management and a drug evaluation with possible treatment following depending on the option of the person conducting the evaluation.

As I left the courtroom the tears started to fall.  My heart was breaking for my children because my voice was not heard, my heart was breaking for myself, my heart was breaking that my little family of four has been reduced to this.  Strangers deciding what is best for our lives.

My advocate told me that I did great.  That I spoke eloquently, calmly and intelligently.  She said that most people she sits beside do not do nearly as well in these situations.  My heart also broke for those people.  I was imagining young women, uneducated women, emotionally unstable women who finally gather the courage to go before a judge....THIS judge and have him quite obviously take the abusers side.

My children are upset that the judge ordered them to see their dad.  I presented it in the best way I knew how.

Me - "Okay guys, you know I went to court today to talk with the judge about the situation with Daddy.  Well the judge wants you to visit with your dad twice each week.  He is hopeful that with another chance your daddy may earn back some of your trust."

Riley - With immediate tears.  "We have to go?  I don't want to go.  Look how many chances we have given him already.  Does anybody care what kids want?"

Sam - "So the judge is running our family?"

Riley - "Yes, he is."

All the while I am sitting with my heart ripped out and my mouth open speechless for a minute.  Not really knowing what to say I just told them to keep an open mind and that if their daddy messes up again he will be in even bigger trouble.

Again....this blog is my free therapy.  I am so very sorry if the dark depressing subject matter is not fun to read.  I just absolutely have to get this out of my system....let it go from my being so that light can take it's place eventually.

If you are reading this and you are in a relationship and your significant other drives you crazy with not turning off lights, salting their food before tasting it first, or remembering to stop by the post office after work.....do not fret.  Kiss them with a smile and tell them it's okay...because that stuff is okay.  I pray you never ever EVER find yourself across from that person in a courtroom having part of the inner workings of your life decided by someone you have never met and will probably never see again.


Later Gaters!

Shattered Glass

I need therapy but I don't have the money or time so I am going to debrief myself on my blog.  Not that a lot of people follow my little therapy outlet that is more often than not neglected.

Please be warned I am going to be writing about my day....the day from hell....which contains very upsetting subject matter.  I am writing for the purpose of getting it out.  Not for sympathy.  I must get it out.  I hope to reread this post someday and be thankful of how far I have come and be thankful that I found happiness and peace after a day like Saturday.

A little background....
After 10 years of marriage and two children my husband decided to get on drugs and have an affair.  After a brief separation and him getting clean and sober we started the long and painful process of reconciling.....that was summer of 2013....July 6th was the day I found out about "her".  In February 2014 the drug use reoccurred and we have been separated ever since.  (In the wee hours of the morning on Monday, February 17th he woke me up by getting the shotgun from under the bed saying he knew I had someone in the house or out in the yard.  He went into the hall and loaded and cocked the gun.  Long story short there....I loaded the kids up in the car and signed the gun over to the police department at 2 am because I didn't want him to have access to it anymore and I did not know how to unload the stupid thing.  I then checked me and the kids into a hotel for two nights and my mother in law and I had him committed through the county government.)  I cannot afford a divorce.  He has not had a job to speak of  since February 2013 and does not help me provide for our children.  I live in a house I cannot afford on my income alone.  He has harrassed me, stalked me and been completely obsessed with me for months.  There have been too many incidents to even begin to list.  Until last Saturday I could pretty much hold him at bay with the threat of calling the police.

This past Saturday morning started off good and normal.  Sam and I woke up around 9 or so.  He came in my room before I got up and we just laid in my bed and talked. I was getting up to make breakfast when Sam yelled from downstairs to let me know his daddy was here.

Now you have to understand that my kids and I have been through a lot....I repeat....a lot.  One thing we have to do is go into lockdown mode when their dad is crazy and comes over uninvited.  Everybody in the house....all doors locked up tight.  Unfortunately this is a somewhat common occurrence and has become more irritating than upsetting as of late.  Typically he will give me some warning that he is on his way and when he gets there he is met with a house locked up tight as a drum and me telling him to go away and that is that.  On Saturday he called me from outside.  I told him yo go away or I would call the cops.  He said he was going to break into the house.  If I did not let him in he would break in. I called my mom and told her to have my two older brothers come over.  I then called my mother in law to let her know he was there and said he was going to break in.

I honestly did not think he would break in but he did.  He threw a hug rock through a window in the garage.  He crawled through it and cut himself all up in the process.  Of course in his state he did not even realize he was bleeding.  He got upstairs where the kids and I were and hell began.

He grabbed my phone and put it in his pocket.  I was completely cut off from calling for help.  The kids were terrified as he unleashed his crazy behaviour and temper on me.  I kept making eye contact with the kids and assuring them I was okay and that I was not afraid.  He dragged me and pushed me from room to room.  At one point he locked the two of us in my room.  He pushed me onto the bed.  Held me down and yelled in my face.  The kids completely freaked out when they could not see me.  I kept yelling through the door that I was okay.  I kept telling him over and over that the kids needed to be able to see me.  He kept saying over and over that he did not care about the kids.  He did let me leave the bedroom after several minutes.. He held me down in the floor of the hall again yelling in my face just inches from my face.  I was completely terrified inside but kept completely calm for my kids.  (The only way I could explain my calm was that it was sent from Heaven above.)  Somehow I convinced the kids to go into my room during part of it.  They hid in my closet and Riley said she prayed.  By the grace of God he was not successful in pushing me down the stairs like he tried to do twice.  Somehow I had sure footing and strong grips on the handrails.  I kept completely calm when I told him I wanted to sit on the couch and talk to him.  He became obsessed with cleaning up the glass in the garage.  When he would leave the room I would tell the kids we were going to be fine and that I was completely okay.  He could not quite decide what he wanted to do....stay and yell at me or go down to the garage to sweep up glass.  He would go back and forth.  Every few minutes I would calmly asked for my phone and finally he actually handed it to me.  I waited for him to go down to the garage and I called 911.  I quietly and calmly spoke to the dispatcher.  He returned and I was scared.  With a shaky voice I calmly and quietly continued my phone conversation with the dispatcher.  He didn't believe who I was talking took the phone from me at one point but gave it back.

When the officer arrived he could not enter the house as the house was still completely locked up.  The dispatcher kept telling me I had to let the officer inside.  I gathered my courage and I just looked him in the eyes and told him that I was going to let the police in.  He did not try to stop me.

I kept the kids upstairs while their dad was arrested in the den downstairs.  My mother in law came and got the kids to take them to my house and my mom and dad stayed with me while I gave my statement and photos were taken.

Jamey was charged with several things...criminal trespass under the family violence act, simple battery, and two counts of cruelty to children - because they witnessed the things that happened.  He was granted a conditional bond but has not bonded out of jail as of yet.

I met with a domestic violence advocate on Tuesday and went before a judge who granted me a temporary protective order until next Wednesday when we have a formal hearing.  Jamey was served that order in jail where he is currently residing for the moment.  On Wednesday he can sign off to accept the order or we will have the hearing.

I have been in contact with legal aide to hopefully have proper representation but if not I will represent myself and have tips to do so.  I am going to ask that he not be allowed any visitation at all with the kids.  Quite simply they have not trusted him for a long time but now they are absolutely terrified of him.  I hope the judge agrees that at this time forced visitation.....even if it is supervised would cause more harm than good to my kids.  Say a prayer for that for me if nothing else please.

If this order is granted it will be for a 12 month period of time and he will not be able to come within a 250 yard radius of us.  He will not be able to contact us by phone either.

He is not the man I married.  He is not my children's father.  This version of him is a complete and total stranger.  I feel nothing when I see his face...not a trace of old feelings or affection.  He has killed it all.  The only time I feel emotion is when I look at old pictures or recall fond memories.  The in person version of him.....absolutely nothing...that is what I feel for him.

In order to lay my head down at night I have to do all I can to protect my children and myself.  I have several of my ducks in a row and the others will follow in the coming days.

Please pray for me, my children and our current and future circumstances.  My philosophy is one day at a time....one foot in front of the other....even when I can barely force myself to stand.  I must stand.  I must walk.  Forward progress.

That is my therapy session....right there.....whew......


Later Gaters.