Shattered Glass

I need therapy but I don't have the money or time so I am going to debrief myself on my blog.  Not that a lot of people follow my little therapy outlet that is more often than not neglected.

Please be warned I am going to be writing about my day....the day from hell....which contains very upsetting subject matter.  I am writing for the purpose of getting it out.  Not for sympathy.  I must get it out.  I hope to reread this post someday and be thankful of how far I have come and be thankful that I found happiness and peace after a day like Saturday.

A little background....
After 10 years of marriage and two children my husband decided to get on drugs and have an affair.  After a brief separation and him getting clean and sober we started the long and painful process of reconciling.....that was summer of 2013....July 6th was the day I found out about "her".  In February 2014 the drug use reoccurred and we have been separated ever since.  (In the wee hours of the morning on Monday, February 17th he woke me up by getting the shotgun from under the bed saying he knew I had someone in the house or out in the yard.  He went into the hall and loaded and cocked the gun.  Long story short there....I loaded the kids up in the car and signed the gun over to the police department at 2 am because I didn't want him to have access to it anymore and I did not know how to unload the stupid thing.  I then checked me and the kids into a hotel for two nights and my mother in law and I had him committed through the county government.)  I cannot afford a divorce.  He has not had a job to speak of  since February 2013 and does not help me provide for our children.  I live in a house I cannot afford on my income alone.  He has harrassed me, stalked me and been completely obsessed with me for months.  There have been too many incidents to even begin to list.  Until last Saturday I could pretty much hold him at bay with the threat of calling the police.

This past Saturday morning started off good and normal.  Sam and I woke up around 9 or so.  He came in my room before I got up and we just laid in my bed and talked. I was getting up to make breakfast when Sam yelled from downstairs to let me know his daddy was here.

Now you have to understand that my kids and I have been through a lot....I repeat....a lot.  One thing we have to do is go into lockdown mode when their dad is crazy and comes over uninvited.  Everybody in the house....all doors locked up tight.  Unfortunately this is a somewhat common occurrence and has become more irritating than upsetting as of late.  Typically he will give me some warning that he is on his way and when he gets there he is met with a house locked up tight as a drum and me telling him to go away and that is that.  On Saturday he called me from outside.  I told him yo go away or I would call the cops.  He said he was going to break into the house.  If I did not let him in he would break in. I called my mom and told her to have my two older brothers come over.  I then called my mother in law to let her know he was there and said he was going to break in.

I honestly did not think he would break in but he did.  He threw a hug rock through a window in the garage.  He crawled through it and cut himself all up in the process.  Of course in his state he did not even realize he was bleeding.  He got upstairs where the kids and I were and hell began.

He grabbed my phone and put it in his pocket.  I was completely cut off from calling for help.  The kids were terrified as he unleashed his crazy behaviour and temper on me.  I kept making eye contact with the kids and assuring them I was okay and that I was not afraid.  He dragged me and pushed me from room to room.  At one point he locked the two of us in my room.  He pushed me onto the bed.  Held me down and yelled in my face.  The kids completely freaked out when they could not see me.  I kept yelling through the door that I was okay.  I kept telling him over and over that the kids needed to be able to see me.  He kept saying over and over that he did not care about the kids.  He did let me leave the bedroom after several minutes.. He held me down in the floor of the hall again yelling in my face just inches from my face.  I was completely terrified inside but kept completely calm for my kids.  (The only way I could explain my calm was that it was sent from Heaven above.)  Somehow I convinced the kids to go into my room during part of it.  They hid in my closet and Riley said she prayed.  By the grace of God he was not successful in pushing me down the stairs like he tried to do twice.  Somehow I had sure footing and strong grips on the handrails.  I kept completely calm when I told him I wanted to sit on the couch and talk to him.  He became obsessed with cleaning up the glass in the garage.  When he would leave the room I would tell the kids we were going to be fine and that I was completely okay.  He could not quite decide what he wanted to do....stay and yell at me or go down to the garage to sweep up glass.  He would go back and forth.  Every few minutes I would calmly asked for my phone and finally he actually handed it to me.  I waited for him to go down to the garage and I called 911.  I quietly and calmly spoke to the dispatcher.  He returned and I was scared.  With a shaky voice I calmly and quietly continued my phone conversation with the dispatcher.  He didn't believe who I was talking took the phone from me at one point but gave it back.

When the officer arrived he could not enter the house as the house was still completely locked up.  The dispatcher kept telling me I had to let the officer inside.  I gathered my courage and I just looked him in the eyes and told him that I was going to let the police in.  He did not try to stop me.

I kept the kids upstairs while their dad was arrested in the den downstairs.  My mother in law came and got the kids to take them to my house and my mom and dad stayed with me while I gave my statement and photos were taken.

Jamey was charged with several things...criminal trespass under the family violence act, simple battery, and two counts of cruelty to children - because they witnessed the things that happened.  He was granted a conditional bond but has not bonded out of jail as of yet.

I met with a domestic violence advocate on Tuesday and went before a judge who granted me a temporary protective order until next Wednesday when we have a formal hearing.  Jamey was served that order in jail where he is currently residing for the moment.  On Wednesday he can sign off to accept the order or we will have the hearing.

I have been in contact with legal aide to hopefully have proper representation but if not I will represent myself and have tips to do so.  I am going to ask that he not be allowed any visitation at all with the kids.  Quite simply they have not trusted him for a long time but now they are absolutely terrified of him.  I hope the judge agrees that at this time forced visitation.....even if it is supervised would cause more harm than good to my kids.  Say a prayer for that for me if nothing else please.

If this order is granted it will be for a 12 month period of time and he will not be able to come within a 250 yard radius of us.  He will not be able to contact us by phone either.

He is not the man I married.  He is not my children's father.  This version of him is a complete and total stranger.  I feel nothing when I see his face...not a trace of old feelings or affection.  He has killed it all.  The only time I feel emotion is when I look at old pictures or recall fond memories.  The in person version of him.....absolutely nothing...that is what I feel for him.

In order to lay my head down at night I have to do all I can to protect my children and myself.  I have several of my ducks in a row and the others will follow in the coming days.

Please pray for me, my children and our current and future circumstances.  My philosophy is one day at a time....one foot in front of the other....even when I can barely force myself to stand.  I must stand.  I must walk.  Forward progress.

That is my therapy session....right there.....whew......


Later Gaters.