With Liberty and Injustice for ME

Yesterday was a very very hard day.

It was the day I had to have a court hearing to extend the protection order against Jamey.

Over the past week or so I have been preparing for yesterday.  I spoke extensively with my domestic violence advocate who has sat through hundreds of these hearings before and I spoke extensively with an attorney but did not have her come to the hearing with me.

When I arrived at the courthouse yesterday to say I was afraid and intimidated would be a HUGE understatement.  There were approximately 100 people crowded into one small courtroom for roll call and I could feel my heart palpitating and my breath coming in short puffs.

I had my notes written out and I was given exactly how the proceeding would work.  I was prepared and ready to face it but very very uneasy.  I must have read and reread them 30 times while I waited.

After roll call my advocate went back to the holding cell where Jamey was to see if he would sign off on the order and if so no hearing would be required.

He signed off on the 12 month protective order and the child support worksheet but he said he wanted to be able to see the kids.  He asked for every other weekend Friday-Sunday.  I immediately and strongly and completely refused that.  My advocate went back to him and it was determined he would not sign off so a hearing was happening.

I was there from 9:00 - 11:30 just waiting.  I had to overhear other cases and it was just depressing.  Completely depressing.

They did not call ours until about 11:45....15 minutes before lunch.

In short - the process was rushed, Jamey lied under oath and the judge was sympathetic to Jamey.  Jamey spoke two thirds as often as I got to speak and he was smirking at me from across the room from the time he knew he had the judge's ear until the end of the hearing.  The whole hearing was quite rushed...I mean....I wouldn't want them to take a few extra minutes to make them late for their Wendy's burger and frosty....not like anything important is at stake...right?

I did not "lose" yesterday but I do not feel my voice was heard.  I did not get to give examples of how the situation has been escalating by giving examples of past behavior.  I had dates and times prepared.  Jamey spun this to be a one time occurrence (I was not given an opportunity to provide other events), denied drug use repeatedly, and kept repeating how much he is giving up/lost in this process.  He had the last word in each section of the hearing.  I just clasped my hands, bit my lip and gently nodded my head "no" involuntarily while the lies spilled forth.  By the time the hearing was over the judge and Jamey were almost quite chummy.  The judge talked with him quite informally giving him tips on his upcoming criminal case and kept reminding him that he can come back after a while for a modification to the visitation to request more.  The judge looked at me very little.  I am an observer of mannerisms, body language, etc.  He slightly turned his chair in Jamey's direction and man to man....dad to dad was on his side.

The order was approved for 12 months, he has very limited supervised visitation twice per week- 8 hours per week, he must pay child support, he must undergo anger management and a drug evaluation with possible treatment following depending on the option of the person conducting the evaluation.

As I left the courtroom the tears started to fall.  My heart was breaking for my children because my voice was not heard, my heart was breaking for myself, my heart was breaking that my little family of four has been reduced to this.  Strangers deciding what is best for our lives.

My advocate told me that I did great.  That I spoke eloquently, calmly and intelligently.  She said that most people she sits beside do not do nearly as well in these situations.  My heart also broke for those people.  I was imagining young women, uneducated women, emotionally unstable women who finally gather the courage to go before a judge....THIS judge and have him quite obviously take the abusers side.

My children are upset that the judge ordered them to see their dad.  I presented it in the best way I knew how.

Me - "Okay guys, you know I went to court today to talk with the judge about the situation with Daddy.  Well the judge wants you to visit with your dad twice each week.  He is hopeful that with another chance your daddy may earn back some of your trust."

Riley - With immediate tears.  "We have to go?  I don't want to go.  Look how many chances we have given him already.  Does anybody care what kids want?"

Sam - "So the judge is running our family?"

Riley - "Yes, he is."

All the while I am sitting with my heart ripped out and my mouth open speechless for a minute.  Not really knowing what to say I just told them to keep an open mind and that if their daddy messes up again he will be in even bigger trouble.

Again....this blog is my free therapy.  I am so very sorry if the dark depressing subject matter is not fun to read.  I just absolutely have to get this out of my system....let it go from my being so that light can take it's place eventually.

If you are reading this and you are in a relationship and your significant other drives you crazy with not turning off lights, salting their food before tasting it first, or remembering to stop by the post office after work.....do not fret.  Kiss them with a smile and tell them it's okay...because that stuff is okay.  I pray you never ever EVER find yourself across from that person in a courtroom having part of the inner workings of your life decided by someone you have never met and will probably never see again.


Later Gaters!